If you’re in a solid relationship, it may seem as though nothing could put it on the rocks. That could be because you’ve learned the secret of dealing with painful memories. If, on the other hand, you’re fighting to forget something that’s keeping you apart, this article may lend an assist.

Here are three ways in which memories can play a key part in the success or failure of a relationship.

1. Memories Can Heal or Multiply Loss: After a catastrophic loss—the death of a child or the loss of your home, for example, how you perceive the role each of you has played can have a huge impact on your future relationship with your partner.

Here’s what a young mother reported about the days following her child’s tragic death in an accident: when the haze of shock began to clear, she became obsessed with the feeling that her husband could have done something else to avoid the accident. In reality, his vehicle was struck head-on by a drunk driver on a blind curve and there was absolutely nothing he could have done to avoid the collision.

Because the couple had only been together a short time before marrying and the memories they shared of marriage and parenthood were very brief, they might have separated following the tragedy. Fortunately, a compassionate grief counselor was able to weave those memories together for the young wife in a way that allowed her to see her husband had always tried to care for and protect her and their child.
 

The truth of those memories broke through the blame she was unfairly placing on her partner and she was able to grieve with him instead of accusing him.

As you can see, the way you perceive painful episodes can determine your relationship’s future. Drawing on shared memories can help dispel false perceptions borne out of pain. Sharing memories of happy times, even in the midst of pain, can knit you more closely together. You may not be able to change difficult life events, but the power of shared memories can help heal the hurt.

2. Memories Make Relationships Timeless: Something many of us fear is growing old and losing our mental faculties. We’ve all known someone who struggled to remember familiar faces, sometimes not even remembering a beloved partner.

That’s one reason building a lifetime of memories as a couple is so important. Even in the confusion of dementia, strong memories can break through. A friend recently shared the story of her parents, married sixty years before being separated when advanced dementia caused the wife to need more care.

Her husband visited each day, looking for signs of recognition in his wife’s eyes. The sweetest moments of their final days together came as his wife suddenly remembered vignettes of holidays, their children or their early marriage.

Sharing those times as though they were recent events helped ease them through the wife’s last days. Having that cache of strong memories to share made their relationship truly timeless.

3. Great Memories Make Great Glue: In nearly every marriage comes a time when one or both partners think of leaving. Countless couples have reported that thinking about years of special memories, and the prospect of starting over with someone else, were the impetus for them to reconcile.

Here’s how that might look in a real-life situation: Emily and Mark were in the aftershock of Emily’s recent affair with a coworker. Embarrassed and remorseful, Emily was prepared to leave if Mark decided he couldn’t forgive her indiscretion.

Mark, on the other hand was angry, hurt and struggling to recover from his wife’s betrayal. Fortunately for this couple, they’d shared years of happily married life and have a large stock of good memories from which to draw.

Being able to recall an intimate Caribbean cruise to the Bahamas, Christmases surrounded by family, and hundreds of other shared memories caused Mark to think again about giving up on his marriage. He learned there’s real power in a lifetime of journeys made together. They’ve been together ever since, having invested the time to rebuild their marriage and create more precious memories.

Whether by the ravages of time or the loss of someone special, all couples experience difficult days. Building a storehouse of special memories can provide a base to rebuild a damaged relationship into something even better.

 

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