I was seventeen when we met, he was
nineteen, 6 foot 4, and then as now a tough guy with a
I probably loved Steve, within about three weeks, but I
was far more sensible at seventeen, than I am now. I
didn't tell him I loved him for about three months! We
went out for a year, (just over). We were so together,
no one doubted we would marry. But we didn't; he ended
it, and still I do not know why.
These days, the 'why', has ceased to matter; because we are still
friends. I doubted the true sincerity of his friendship for a
decade, people told me he didn't really care about me that he was
keeping me in reserve or as an ego boost. So I doubted, even though
I knew him well enough to know it wasn't the kind of thing he would
do. I suppose I wanted something of the love to remain, enough to
wonder if I was kidding myself!
Then three years ago, I fell in love again; and Tony died very
suddenly after we had been together only a short while! I was
devastated, and went a little nuts (drinking, unable to feel
anything remotely normal). And while the rest of the world tutted
about what a short time I had known Tony, Steve was a rock.
He listened to me, phoned me, he was there in every way he could be
at six hundred miles distance. I must have driven him nuts over the
next ten months, every day I rang him. He would pep talk me through
One night I got really drunk and rang him, told him I loved him,
that he was a bastard for marrying someone else. The next day when I
rang him to apologise; I said "please don't stop being my friend, I
don't think I could take that right now". He said "There is nothing,
you could say to me, that would stop me being your friend" And there
in that moment, I realised the love had changed we were truly
friends now, with no untidy loose ends.
It shouldn't have taken a good man dying to show me he was a friend.
To show me, what my heart had always known.
Love is forever, you have to let its shape change though, without
screaming about what you might have preferred.
I will Love him all my life, nothing can change it....and you know
what, it isn't sad anymore.
There are walls around my heart still, but they aren't made of Steve
now (Tony saw to that) They are just walls; behind them I have two
great men, they are both with me always.
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